Just a bit of humor.

I found these on a website and though they were worth sharing......Jim

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening..

... when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't -- the aged bovine was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists. About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened to you," asked Hillary?

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine to me!"

"My God, what had you told them?" asked Hillary. The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.

The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House...

One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys!

How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"DONE!" Replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how it works.

Submitted by Donna, Emmitsburg, Md.

A Japanese doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced ...

... that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says, "That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks."

A British doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have both of them out looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, "You guys are way behind. We are about to take a woman with no brains, send her to Washington where she will become President, and then half the country will be out looking for work."

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.

A professional genealogical researcher, discovered that Hillary Clinton's ..

...great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: 'Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.

Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton for comments. Hillary's staff of professional image adjusters sent back the following biographical sketch:

'Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad.

In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency.

In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.'

And THAT is how it's done folks!

Submitted by Don, Bethesda, Md.

Top 10 Signs Your Presidential Candidate is Under-Qualified

• Promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii.
• Runs a series of attack ads against Martin Sheen's character on "The West Wing".
• His #1 choice to work on his cabinet is "That Bob Vila guy".
• Outstanding record as Governor of Rhode Island nullified by the fact that no one really cares.
• Got his degree in Political Economics by bribing Sally Struthers with a chocolate donut.
• Anybody mentions Washington, he asks, "The state or the DC thingie?"
• At the debates, answers every question with a snarled, "You wanna wrestle?"
• Vows to put an end to the war in Pokemon and free the Pikachu refugees once and for all.
• Says the Pledge of Allegiance as quickly as possible, then shouts, "I win!"
• On the very first question of the debate, he attempts to use a lifeline.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

The Newest Medications For Women

• Damitol -Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.
• St. Mom’s Wort - Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering her children unconscious for up to six hours.
• Emptynestrogen - Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
• Peptobimbo - Liquid silicone for single women...2 full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
• Dumerol - When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ causing enjoyment of "blondie type activities."
• Flipitor - Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
• Menicillin - Potent antibiotic for older women...Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person can we get naked now?"
• Buy-agra - Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping...Increases potency and duration of spending spree
• Buy-one-al - When combined with Buy-agra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
• Jackasspirin - Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
• Anti-talksident - A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
• Sexcedrin - More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.
• Ragamet - When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.